Fear of Rejection

In a conversation today with a co-worker (somewhere between money problems and V.C. Andrews novels), there came a short discourse on the fact that I have a fear of rejection.

The rejection isn’t about people or social settings. I do have social anxiety, but this was more about the fear of putting pieces of myself out there, things I love to do, with the chance that they’ll be rejected. The two main examples are knitting and writing.

I haven’t been knitting long, a few years for standard knitting and a few months for purling and some “extras.” I’ve made some neat stuff, including the Alien Illusion Scarf for Jon and a couple of multi-colored hats. They’re not the best made things, but I ‘m sure they’re better than the potential product of a baboon with knitting needles and some yarn. I have a couple scarves which are actually pretty and at one time, I’d really wanted to put them on etsy. I even set up a store.

Guess what hasn’t made it on etsy? I keep thinking it’s because I’m too lazy to do it. I’m too lazy to find the right angle and lighting to take a picture and oh goodness, even though I’m already on the computer for hours at a time, those extra clicks would just take too much out of me. But seriously? I’m pretty sure I’m just worried they won’t sell and that I’ll have wasted the time doing it and I’ll feel slapped in the face because no one will want my stuff.

I know that sounds ridiculous. People list things on there all the time that doesn’t sell. I follow some people on Twitter who relist regularly, and Craftastrophe has proven that people sell things for a lot of money that look like a can of paint and some cement threw up after a wild night at the bar. I know I’m not the only one who’s ever had something that no one else wanted.

Maybe it’s because I have no confidence in what I make.

Then there’s my writing. On any day, I’ll tell you that I love to write. On a good day, I’ll say that my writing isn’t too bad. On a bad day, or any day that I’m on the verge of writing a query letter or sending in a manuscript, I’ll say that my writing is horrible, there’s no way anyone would publish it, and there’s no point in even trying. Granted, there are a few more steps to sending in a potential novel than listing a handmade item on etsy, but I think my mind processes it the same and says “I don’t want to be rejected.”

My co-worker made a good point. “Either you never try and nothing happens. Or you try and something might happen.” It makes sense in that context, so how come I can’t get my head and emotions around it?

Conclusion drawn: At some point, I have to suck it up and just go for it.

Two Scarf Projects

I'm currently working on two different scarves, mostly for practice. My Pink Lady scarf had originally been intended for a silent auction at the Relay for Life. Then Phinn got ahold of it and I decided not to go that route. I actually gave up on knitting it for awhile, but decided to finish it, or at least try to finish it for the Miss Relay 2009 contest at the walk (fyi, a guy from our team has to dress up as a girl. We have a candidate in our guest walker, Jon's younger brother).

At any rate, I'm glad I started it back up. The stitch is simple as it's just knitting a garter stitch scarf. The challenge is in knitting the black and frou frou pink at the same time. It's hard to be precise in my knits, so it's full of mistakes, but because of the thickness of the joined yarns, there's only one place I can really see the dropped stitches, and that's where the puppy got to it.

Talk about soft though. I've never been a pink girl, but I'm definitely tempted to keep this one for myself.

The second one is more of a practice scarf, but I like the colors alot. I'm using a pattern from Stitch 'N Bitch Nation for a drop stitch scarf. It's helping me practice the yarn over, which is insanely easy, and the "on purpose drop" to get a nifty looking pattern.

The pattern is called "Yo! Drop It" but because of my modifications I gave it my own name. Not going to lie..."Drops of Jupiter" was based on a knitting night conversation that was less than elegant, but the name seems fitting for the way this one looks. It won't keep anyone warm in the winter. I used stashed thrift yarn that seems to be lighter weight and gives the scarf almost a lacy look (my opinion, not knitter expertise). And unfortunately, my edges are extremely ragged. However, I know a few people who might appreciate this as a gift.

Alien Illusion Scarf

I finally finished my Alien Illusion Scarf, and of course now realize I've periodically called it an Alien Invasion Scarf. But whatever, it's still cool. This is the first time I've 1) finished a project with both knitting and purling; 2) did illusion knitting; and 3) used fringe. And even though I know fringe isn't difficult, I'm glad I finally stopped being lazy and just did it.

I made Jon model for me, which works well since it's his scarf. I have to say, he knows how to pose to make an Alien scarf get an extra dose of eerie. Not sure if he does it on purpose, but it cracks me up.

The pattern came from the Stitch N Bitch handbook and I must give thanks to my friend Angela for teaching me to purl so I could actually do this. I'd like to try this one again, but in different colors, or at least in a different contrast color (what green is in this one).

This weekend....between in-law visiting of course...I will try my hand at the currently elusive increase.