Thursday, September 17, 2009

Let’s Talk About Your Lyrics – Party in the U.S.A.

The problem with young and cute and poppy is that when they sing, even though I don’t necessarily care for the song, it manages to get stuck in my head in an endless, insanity inducing loop.

Miley Cyrus’ new song is the perfect example. It’s grating, it’s bubbly, and even though it makes me want to poke my eyes out, I also find myself constantly singing it. So of course I had to give it the go ‘round.

Miley, let’s talk about your lyrics

I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess (whoa),
am I gonna fit in?

It actually depends on where you’re trying to fit in. You’re young enough to find a good group of girls who haven’t yet been corrupted by Hollywood (I’ll forget those Vanity Fair pics for now). Being that you have your cardigan (please tell me you brought some other clothes too), you’re probably still a little vanilla, but your dad was Billy Ray. And everyone in Hollywood loves Billy Ray. Don’t worry, girl…you’ll be fine.

Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy
Everybody seems so famous

Yeah, Hollywood is known for famous people. That really is crazy…omg!

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick (please don’t puke in the cab…they frown on that sort of thing)
Too much pressure and I'm nervous, (there are drugs to help that sort of thing and you’ll be hooked in a couple of years)
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
and a Jay Z song was on
and a Jay Z song was on
and a Jay Z song was on

Let me guess…there was a Jay Z song on, right?

So I put my hands up
They’re playing my song,
And the butterflies fly away
Noddin’ my head like yea
Movin' my hips like yea
I got my hands up,
They’re playin my song
I know I'm gonna be ok
Yea, It's a party in the USA
Yea, It's a party in the USA

I really hope you’re not doing this in the back of a taxi cab, because you’re going to look really silly. Besides the fact that your “like yea” dance sounds incredibly awkward, the only time it is appropriate to do something like this is when you’re at the bar with your BFFs and you’ve had a few drinks and the song comes on. Then you can jump up and down and scream “That’s my song!” and go dance it up as awkwardly as you’d like. Taxi cab groovin’ is just silly.

Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's lookin' at me now
Like “who's that chick that's rockin’ kicks?
She gotta be from out of town”

Whoa…wait a minute. You got off the plane and went straight to the club? In your cardigan? Shouldn’t you maybe settle down first? Get something to eat? I’m only looking out for your well being, Miley. You’ve got to take care of yourself. Also, I think you need to face reality. They don’t really think those “kicks” are “rockin.” You are an outsider, so you’re going to have to do something really crazy to fit in. This is Hollywood where normal is looked down upon.

So hard with my girls not around me
It’s definitely not a Nashville party
'Cause all I see are stilettos
I guess I never got the memo

You never watched E!? Or Entertainment Tonight? Why did your daddy even let you out of the house???

My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin kinda home sick (it is more acceptable to puke at a bar, but blame it on the seven shots of tequila you had, not home sickness)
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the D.J. dropped my favorite tune
and a Britney song was on
and a Britney song was on
and a Britney song was on

How many songs do you consider “yours”? And yeah, Britney makes everyone feel better about themselves because they’re reminded of how screwed up she is (though I like to rock out to “Circus,” but I’ve come to terms with that).


Feel like hoppin' on a flight (on a flight)
Back to my hometown tonight (town tonight)
Something stops me every time (every time)
The DJ plays my song and I feel alright

Whatever. You’re in it for the money so you’re not going anywhere. I suggest, though, that you load all those favorite songs of yours onto an iPod because going to the club can seriously mess with your good girl mojo. Look at Lindsay Lohan! And please get some new clothes because a cardigan isn’t going to sell records.


Oh, and next time you want to share your diary entry with the world, take a moment and think about it. Because you might want to share, but the world might not want to hear it. Again.

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